Ups & Downs...

I'm getting discouraged again.... :(
Things are turning sour and I don't know how to stop them.

THINGS LEFT TO DO:
1. Find a Wedding Cake. [I have no clue what I want, still, and have no clue where to get it from. I'm kind of scared I won't have one due to the lack of funding b/c of carelessness on someone elses part.]
2. Find a place to rent chairs from. [Everyone charges way too much a piece for chairs! Same issue as above, financial.]
3. Get my wedding dress back & get fitted; finish paying for it. [They said the date it's supposed to come in is April 15th, so hopefully it comes in on time so I can actually get alterations done if I need them.]
4. Figure out a shoe situation for me: flats, flip-flops, or none at all.
5. Figure out WHAT to put in my favor boxes I already have. [My aunt bought the boxes I wanted for me, so now I just need something to put in them. We have idea's, but yet again, financial issues are in the way.]
6. Buy bubble machines.
7. Engagement pictures & choose package. [We are having our engagement pictures taken next Thursday (March 26th) at 10:30 a.m. The package we choose is solely dependent upon our finances, ONCE again... :( ]
8. Rehearsal Reception location/caterer. [We've gotten quotes from a few different places, but it's another expense I'm not sure we can pay for.]
9. Food for the actual reception. [There are rules about what we can and can not have at our venue (like no crockpots or making food there, etc.) so, we have to be careful & it's money, again.]
10. Music playlist selections. [This is in working progress.... we add songs almost every other day. iPod.]
11. Figure out the songs everyone is walking out to.
12. Our harpist bailed on us today, so I'm really discouraged about that. [I had my heart set on it, only to be crushed. :( ]
13. My jewelry & my girls' jewelry.
14. Hair & Make-up. [My mom will more than likely do my hair, and I wil probably do my makeup myself.]
15. Veil or no veil? [That is the question. I'm not real fond of them, but Matt wants me to wear one. It's an outside wedding and they made me hot just trying on inside stores....]
16. Tiara or flower beret?
17. Finalize linens & table arrangements.
18. Unity Candle alternative. [We've decided on really liking the sand unity, but it's expensive as well. But it's a nice souvenir from the wedding that can be displayed in our home.]
19. Speaking of home... we need to find one. [ :( money big issue here.]
20. Start pre-marital counseling with Dave. [He has yet to get back to us about the day we asked him about to start last week.]
21. Get Marriage License.
22. Groomsmen gifts.
23. Parent/Grandparent gifts.
24. "Welcome" guest table deco., etc.
25. Program's. [I wanted fans since its outside, but they are too expensive. :( ]
26. Find servers, guest book attendants, set-up/clean-up crew.
27. Buy more stamps to send out invitations.
28. Get my aunt to address envelopes for me.

Wow, writing all this out really has me discouraged even more. :( Money is a big issue right now, and who knows what's going to happen. I don't want to have to postpone the wedding. That's my worst fear right now. I just need to pray to God... and I need everyone else helping me with prayer, too. So please help me. I'm getting depressed from this wedding, and that's not what it's supposed to be... it's supposed to be the happiest time of my life. But, I'm not happy. I'm at my absolute worst. My living situation has me completely falling apart. The ppl I live with absolutely do not care about me what-so-ever. They won't even provide food for me. :( Matt has had to pu; money out of his savings account just to make sure I have food. I really hate this. I want out and I can't go anywhere because I have no money. I'm getting treated like I'm a cheap little slave girl or something. All they care about is my dad's money... after he left, they didn't care whether or not I was okay. I just want to go somewhere that I'm loved and not slum. I feel like Matt's the only one who loves me right now. :(