100% Imperfect

Just FYI before you dive into this post, that it's more than likely going to be a downer & very depressing. So, if you don't need to read something like that right now, please don't hesitate to disregard this blog post. I have A LOT on my mind and it needs to get out. I'm hoping that I can get back into blogging more -- Needless to say, 2 years since I last blogged is a bit long. I'm also hoping that blogging more will lead to me feeling more Happy. The title says it all... right now I'm feeling 100% imperfect. I don't want to be fully perfect, or even a hint perfect, but I feel like I'm failing... and spiraling fast. I'm not a perfect wife, or the best one at that. Matt may say that I "am", but I KNOW that I am not. He's great to me, but I treat him like dirt at times. And I know that it's because there is something not quite right with me... not like illness or anything... just that my life isn't where it's supposed to be or something. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like a monster. I don't always show him the love he needs me to show him when he wants it to be shown. I feel awful for that. I don't keep the tidiest home... I don't like when it's not clean, but I hate to clean, too. It's a battle I have to fight myself with & hopefully, one day, I'll win with it. Matt doesn't like it a mess, either, but he doesn't have time to clean. He works himself to death to try to provide for us. I feel like I let him down. I can't provide enough for us. I try & I try... but it feels like it always fails; anything I try to do doesn't help. It doesn't go the way I planned it to. So, I feel like I keep failing him. I try to be better, but it's just never enough. I need to find out WHY I'm so unhappy with things, so maybe I can get back to what I once was with my happiness. I used to laugh, even more than I do now, & I used to be so different than I am now. I feel like I've lost myself, and it's my fault, not anyone elses. I know a few things that have triggered it to get worse, but there has to be more that made it even more than it was. I've always struggled with my weight, but for the most part, I've embraced my body & been pretty confident with myself. Here lately, that's slipping from me & I'm feeling more & more weight on my shoulders with it. Like more people are looking at me like I'm more of a problem than I really am. So many people are so quick to judge these days & I feel like I'm drowning in judgment.. not just from my weight... but other stuff, too. And I don't know what it all is. Yes, I am sarcastic. Yes, my humor is the same. But in no way am I trying to hurt anyone with it. I'm just playing around. That's just my nature of who I am. I would be distraut to know that I've hurt someone & never intended to. All I want is to make someone smile & feel loved. Not hurt them. I have immense feelings for people. Any people. I don't want to see someone hurting. I would give anything to be able to console & hug anyone that needed it. I want to help all of the anbandoned children of the world. I want to save them from any harm that could come their way. I want to make hurting people better. I want the world to be a more peaceful place, rather than the violent place it seems to be. There are so many good people in this world, that the mentally sick criminals are ruining that for the good people. You can't trust anyone anymore because you don't know what they might do. It's the wrong way to feel, but you have to be careful in the world today. I don't want to hear about anymore senseless crimes or murders. People are so easy to pull a trigger on anyone & anything these days, it's scary. Innocent lives are being taken that don't need to be. I just want the world to be a better place & I want everyone to be happy again. I want to be happy again. I want to make everyone happy. My family. My friends. Anyone I come into contact with. I don't want anyone to have a negative thought abuot me. I just want to have friends. It's the hardest thing to make & keep friends right now, for some reason. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm disappointing my family. I'm not at the right job, I'm not making enough money, I'm not using the degree I went to school for, I'm too fat. I'm not pregnant... not to mention, I don't know if I can even *GET* pregnant right now. We aren't necessarily TRYING, but we're not preventing it, either. I haven't been on birth control since March. I'd be ecstatic if I got pregnant right now, but it's just not happening. The constant reminder that I'm not pregnant is deafening. Friends, parents, family, Matt, strangers... "When are you two going to have a baby?" "When am I going to be a grandparent?" "You should have a baby!" These all would irritate me for a couple years in the beginning... but now, I'd be okay with it. And it just feels like it won't happen. I'm ove the moon with adopting, but I would love & know Matt would love more than anything to have our own. I've wanted to adopt since I was 16 years old & I always feel pulled towards it. I get signs all the time & finding out about a couple that I know adopting a baby suffering from meth withdrawals from his birth mother, made me feel even more pulled towards it than I have in a long time. It's something I want. Maybe not right now. Maybe not in a couple years. But it's something that I feel that my life needs at some point. I want to help all those lonely children find their own happy ending. I want to help mothers out of abusing situations... I just want a better life for those that are more than deserving of it. I want a better life more myself & I don't know how to get there. I've got to find my happy... I don't know where mine went. I want to make others happy. I want to make Matt happy. I want to make my family happy & bring happiness to anyone I encounter. I'm just me & I want others to see that. I want to know why people just act like they don't like me. Yes, I say some negative things. Yes, I say some positive things. I try not to post so much of the negative. But, that's what life is. Full of UPS & DOWNS. Getting raked over the coals for saying a couple negative things... and then being upbeat & getting raked over the coals for being too happy. You can't please anyone anymore. I don't like to cause drama, but I also don't like to be screwed over & people thinking I'm a pushover. I guess that's when my stronger personality comes out & people think that's who I am. I'm a very loving & compassionate person, but I don't want anyone to take advantage of me. I often voice that, and that's probably the problem with people liking me. No one wants to be taken advantage of, and I guess I haven't found the right people that won't take advantage of me. I will normally call you out on it, I'm a strong & loud woman. I don't want to take any crap, but I also want to love you & help you when I can. If you're gonna say you live a certain way, don't contradict that by living the complete opposite. You say your a Godly person & that you want people to remember you for how you made them feel... then don't purposely do things that don't support that. Don't make people feel like the scum on the bottom of your shoe. Don't be like the girls in the movie "Mean Girls". You are judging people very harshly & then demanding not to be judged by others yourself. I'm not trying to rake anyone over the coals here, either. Just stating my opinion. But I need happiness in my life. I'm not going to live with myself by keeping bad people in my life. I always hope for the best in people & maybe that's why I get stomped all over. I always hope that people will become better people. But normally, in the end, I'm the one hurting over it & they could care less. I want my family & friends to love me unconditionally. Yes, I need to make some things better for myself in my life, but I also need support in making that happen. I don't want to be torn down anymore. I want to be the real me again. I feel fake when I talk to people, because I don't want to lose anyone as a friend because they just didn't like who I am. I used to not have to worry about that. But it feels like people are so quick to drop people these days. I just want to hold onto someone as a friend. I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to when I need them. I've gotten closer with my mom, but I need someone else that I can turn to, as well. Ya know? I'm sorry this is full of negativity. But I had to find SOMEWHERE to get some of this off of me somehow. I'm hoping that this can help me get back to ME. HAPPY GO LUCKY ME! So, please, if you read this.... PLEASE please PLEASE pray for me. I don't know what you need to pray for me for... but just pray for me. I need to get back to myself & I just want to be happy & the light of someone's life. I don't want to over think things anymore. I just want to go on with my life & accept everything that comes my way positively. I want to be a better wife & house keeper for Matt. I want him to know that I love him, no matter what my mood is. I want my family to be proud of me like they once were, instead of feeling like everything I do with my life doesn't make them proud of me. I want at least one best friend that I can giggle & be silly with, but also be serious with & call on when I need them. I want someone to feel the same way about me that I'm who they can call when they need someone. That's all I want. I want to be wanted.